Why, Why Not.

I was recently asked to mentor someone through a twelve-step program at my church and not only was I in shock; but in complete awe of the Lord. I also sat there for a little and thought to myself "why on Earth would someone want me to mentor them?". I am pretty big on asking why, I would argue it's one of my favorite words - why. When asked why she wanted me as a mentor, my sweet friend replied “loving Mackenzie makes me love God so much more”. Instant tears. I know I have grown tremendously in my faith, but moments like this fill my cup and affirm that for me. I couldn’t help but reflect on the moments that got me here today. The moments that I found myself falling in love with the Word. All of the moments Christ used to call me home. I talk about my disappointments a lot, in hopes that others would share their wounds with me, but also because I feel so blessed to have suffered the way I have. There is so much beauty and joy to be found in those heartaches. I giggle sitting here talking about finding joy in the hurt, because the first time my pastoral counselor threw James 1 in my face, I wanted to punch her. I also giggle imagining the first conversation I’ll have with the Lord in Heaven, he’d put his hands on my shoulders and say something along the lines of “my child, you sure ask why a lot”. Through lots of prayers, conversations, and experiences here lately, I began reading James 1:2-4 in a new light. Nowhere in that verse does it say "feel the joy" and let's be honest, it would be cruel to tell someone to feel joyful on top of hard things. But instead encourages us to find glimpses of joy amid the hurt. Understanding how to find joy in these moments falls on whether or not our minds truly trust God in the middle of the storm. I'm not sure about you, but that thought alone sobers my mind and checks my heart pretty quickly. I have several loved ones in a storm right now, praying they see the joy to come. My dear Courtney, preparing to say goodbye to her daughter before even saying hello. Megan, facing trial after trial for the past few years. Aubrey, learning to let go of hurts and the plans she has made for herself. Truett, bringing his church hurt to the Lord. Savannah, navigating single motherhood as a young adult. Krista, mourning the hopes of a nuclear family and carries the weight of hurting children and families in ministry. Joseph, as he is coming to terms with his sweet grandmother's life coming to an end. You, and whatever hurts you may be carrying as you read this. Even now as I reflect on so much hurt and sorrow, I ask God, why? My love for the word "why" has served me well in my short time here on Earth. Through my disappointments and hurts, the Lord has been kind to teach me that He was never doing any of this to me, but for me. He was making and molding me so that I could be a beacon of light in a dark world, that I may be a reason of hope for those around me. He has been so forgiving to allow me to be both a lover and learner of truth. As frustrating as it is to never know the "why" I have also come to learn that the Lord keeps that not because He is cruel, but because He is the only one who can bear the pain. What a beautiful gift to be given so much hurt to keep you humane, to keep you dependent on the Lord, to keep pointing those around you back to Him. My "whys" have made me wise, tender, joyful, and overall have made me new. When I started writing and sharing my faith with all of you, I would have never imagined that I would find so much joy in talking about my heartaches and wounds. Opening my palms and handing over my disappointments to the Lord and speaking about them with all of you has given me so much freedom and the realization that I am and will continue to be a force to be reckoned with in the great battle of good versus evil. I pray that when the world aims to beat the "why" out of you, you respond with open arms and offer it back with love. I pray that all of you continue to give the world permission to see the wonder in the why.